I Just Want to Cry

I just want to cry. I want to cry but those much needed tears wont come. It's like my heart is frozen, afraid to break and let the floodgates down. Today was a long day. It was a long rough day, but no one would know that. All day long I wanted to curl into a ball and cry and hide and let myself feel this pain. But instead I kept a smile on my face and pushed myself through the day. Happy Easter to me.

Today was the first Easter I was truly alone. Even when I was in the South I had people to celebrate Easter with. It was hard being away from my family, but I was with another family each time and they welcomed me with open arms. But today was different, today I didn't even have a surrogate family. I woke up early and headed to the church to serve. I spent the first service getting footage of kid's church and some nice B Roll footage of people mingling in the hallways and foyer. Second service started with the same but I decided to catch a bit of the message. When I found a seat it was at the very top of the sanctuary in a row all by myself. As I sat there and listened to the message, the loneliness creeped in. The message was amazing and it spoke to my heart but I had no one to share that with. In this church of thousands, I was so very alone. And I felt every bit of it. I felt what I've been feeling for so long. I just want fellowship and I can't find it. I can't find the one thing my soul needs. God did not intend for us to be alone, so why am I?

I spent the third service getting more footage. I walked around the halls and classrooms of this super awesome church. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I know this is where God wants me, but why do I feel like I'm treading water. How could it be this hard? I've tried to give as much of myself as I can. If I'm not working I'm there to help out where I can on the media team, but I don't feel like its enough. The most I can give with my stupid time restraints just isn't enough.

By the time I was done with church and all my footage was uploaded it was 2pm. I sat in my car in the very empty parking lot and I called my mom. I hadn't heard from her yet, so I decided to give her a call. The family was heading to my Grandma's house for Easter dinner. They were busy so we couldn't talk long. Just enough to say Happy Easter and get off the phone.

I then headed towards the North Tacoma campus at Stadium High School. It is a mere 15 minute drive. Being me, I got lost along the way. I ended up driving by a McDonald's and I grabbed a quick lunch. Actually it's all I ate today and it didn't even taste very good. It took me an hour and a half to finally get there. Once again I went and grabbed footage and sat during the message by myself. After Church and baptisms, I packed up my stuff and headed to my car. At almost 8 o clock, I had managed to fill my day so much with church and almost no fellowship it didn't make sense.

On the positive side today, Andy was super wonderful and told me multiple times how much he appreciated my work. He has no idea how much that really meant to me. Those were the only words of encouragement I received all day. He told me that on several occasions and it kept my heart going.

On the drive home I called my mom once again. Things have been so chaotic over there, with my brothers fiance and her two little siblings moving in, that she didn't even have the energy to talk to me. I've known that this was going to happen, but I was hoping it wasn't going to. Once again I'm becoming the forgotten member of the family. The person who is an afterthought. I'm used to it, but I just wanted to be a priority in someone's life for 5 minutes today. That second conversation ended quickly and I finished my drive in silence.

So here I am, in my bed, typing this blog post. The tears have finally come. They haven't completely released but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore. Today sucked. Today was about the people. We had that posted all over the media closet. Today was about people coming to church and finding their home. It was about serving, and being the body of Christ. I hope I did my part and I was able to serve those who needed it. I feel like I gave God, and the church everything I have. I would do the same thing again. I want to serve, I want to be a part of this church's body. This is a part of my calling. It's what makes my heart happy. So I'm happy I was able to serve. I'm happy that I did my part. But even through that happiness there is a sadness. There is a loneliness that I wish I didn't have. I long for fellowship. I long for communion. So yes, even through the good, today sucked. My heart wants to come fully alive.

Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me. Thank you for being the center of my life. Thank you for this opportunity to serve you. Thank you for everything!! My only prayer tonight is please send me a church family. Please send me people to be in fellowship with. I think I'll go finish off these tears tonight and start tomorrow with the hope for what is to come.

A Simple Hug

I was going to write a blog last night, but then I was distracted by other things. Another thought I'd like to write about also came to mind tonight, so I might try to combine them or I might end up creating 2 different posts. We will see as I write this little gem.

It's Easter weekend and it's one of my favorite times of the year. It reminds me of the sacrifice that Jesus made so that I may live. Soo freaking cool!!! It also is a busy time at church. I love all the hustle and buzz and everyone preparing for the biggest weekend of the year. This is the one time of the year that people who don't normally attend church decide to give it a try. So I've been at the church helping prepare for this weekend. There is a lot to do on the media side and I enjoy every moment of it.

Because of my lovely work schedule I don't normally get to be this involved with the media and that really makes my heart ache. But I was fortunate enough to be apart of rehearsal yesterday. I basically filled in for a camera and practiced getting shots that they will need this weekend. I know my part wasn't big and sometimes I doubt whether or not I'm actually making a difference on the team. I don't feel like I'm able to contribute much, but that is a different story. Any who  at the end of the night, I was getting ready to leave and I had a question for someone. When I went up to them, they opened their arm and welcomed me into a hug.

A hug. I know it's not much. Most of the time we don't think about it. In fact, I normally don't think much about hugs. But on my way home I started to break down. That hug was the only one I've had all week. Actually I haven't been hugged since I went home last. I don't have anyone over here that would actually hug me. The embrace sent something through my body. It was a simple reminder that I am here, and I do have a purpose.

I'm not a touch-feely person. In fact if you know me at all, you know I hate physical contact. It may seem strange to most but I really don't like to be touched at all. So now we all know my love language definitely isn't physical touch. With that being in context it doesn't seem as strange that I don't hug often. But my week isn't filled with much fellowship or communion with people. I go to work 5 days a week, I work out at the gym (trust me, you don't wanna touch people there), I attend a financial class once a week and I'm at church twice a week. That is all the contact I have with the outside world.

I can't even say I have friends in any of those locations either. I workout by myself, I work with 3 men, all over the age of 40, I don't know anyone in my financial class, and I only have acquaintances at church. I love my church and I love the people there, but I only interact with a small handful in the media department and most of that is very limited. For the most part, I am alone.

I know it's not the way we are supposed to live, and trust me I wish I didn't live this way, but here I am "doing life alone."  So this hug was a very big deal to my heart and I didn't even realize it. I have let my emotions become numb. I have closed off my feelings to those around me. I forgot what it meant to share in fellowship. It was if this simple hug opened my heart and released all sorts of stuff I've been holding in.

God used that hug to tell me that I'm not alone and He has a plan for me. He showed me that He sees me and He loves me. He loves me enough to give me what I didn't even know I needed. This person will never know how much that hug meant to me. They probably don't even remember the act. But as I walked closer and those arms opened to welcome me, God was inviting me into His grasp. He was loving me the way He knows best. He was showing me His love in the way I needed it.

We have no idea. No idea at all about what is going on in the lives of those around us. In this very technology centric world, run by social media, we have become distant. We have forgotten that human interaction is essential to our lives. It is what keeps us going. I'm challenging anyone who is reading this to hug someone today. Now don't go out and hug random strangers, but when you have an interaction with someone today that might not be our best friend, I encourage you to offer up a hug. You'll know when it's the right time.

For the first time in my life I understand why those crazy people offer up free hugs on random street corners. It's because we need it. We all need it, even if we think we don't. We need to know we are loved, and that someone notices us. We need that feeling of belonging. We need to know that we matter. And trust me, YOU do matter! You are here for a reason, and you are important. Don't let your mind be filled with any other lies. Take heart, and know that He sees and He loves you. You are loved more than you could ever imagine. Here is my *hug* to you. My virtual *hug* that lets you know that you are not alone. You are never, ever alone.

Have a wonderful Easter!!! I'll post my other thought on the blog tomorrow. Thanks for listening.

Training, Training, Training

I haven't posted on my Triathlon training yet so I figured tonight would be a perfect start. It could have to do with the recent purchase of a book on the subject. The more I read and prepare, the more I realize that this is going to be tough. I always knew this would be hard to an extent but now I'm beginning to see that I'm going to discover a new person in me.

I tried taking my dog, Charley, on a run last week. That really didn't go over so well. I actually had to tie him to a post half way through and keep running. (At this point I was running a track where I could still see him) He didn't even care that I tied him up, in fact I think he was quite grateful. He loves to run when we are heading to the dog park but as soon as that harness goes on and I try to hit the pavement it become a drag instead of a run. I've decided he will no longer accompany me on my runs. It makes me a bit sad though because I love spending time with him. I feel bad that I'm at work all the time.

Any-who, back to the training. I hate running. I mean I really hate running. My knee has always been a problem but since surgery 1 1/2 years ago and the injury last March I can barely make it through a run. Ibuprofen has become my best friend. It is one of the most frustrating things. Right now I just try to work through it but I sometimes wonder if I will be relegated to having a bum knee the rest of my life. I'm only 25 and I wold love to be more active. If I can find a way to make the pain go away I will be one happy camper. Sometimes I think about visiting a new orthopedic doctor but I'm not sure what more can be done now. I guess I just keep running and dreading it. Tell me, does it ever become enjoyable???

Now cycling is the highlight of my workouts!! I've always loved getting on my bike and riding places. I haven't been able to get a road bike yet and since my mountain bike is halfway across the state, I complete all my biking in a gym. How boring. But it's ok because I feel like I'm succeeding when I ride. It's so easy compared to running. I can thank my dad for giving me one good asset, my legs. I swear they are pure muscle. Sometimes I think I should be training for road races and not a triathlon. But I do like a good challenge!

There really isn't much to post on my swimming adventures. The pool at our complex is now a mucky grey and I'm actually terrified every time I get in it. When I'm swimming I can't see more than 12 inches in front of my face, and that creeps me out. So until I can find an alternate location to swim I have decided to forgo the water. I'm pretty sure I would catch some type of rare disease from that stuff. I've looked up memberships to the Y and LA Fitness but I don't feel like spending an extra $40 a month to swim a couple times a week. I just feel like I wouldn't get my money's worth.

I'm looking at the different triathlon races for next year. It looks like I'll do either a sprint or beginner race at first. I'm thinking I might want to do 2 or 3 races next year. If I'm doing the training I should reap the rewards. Katie and I will probably to the Tri Turtle Tri and I might do the Chelan Man so my family can watch me compete. I still have a few months to decided before I need to submit my entrance forms. It will depend on how far I am with training on what races I feel comfortable entering.

I'm so excited to be on this adventure!!! I can't wait till I cross that finish line for the first time!

Scary Movies Are Not My Friends

My roommate decided we should watch a scary movie last night. Actually I think he just wanted to see how scared I would get. I am such a jumpy person in the first place. Even if I know something is about to pop out in a movie, I still jump a mile high.

So last night we sat down to watch Scream. I was pretty much scared from the get-go. My heart was racing and I thought for sure I was going to have a heart attack. At one point the killer jumped out and I screamed at the top of my lungs. The funny part was I didn't even realize I was screaming until my roommate started yelling at me. I was simply terrified. After the movie was finished and I thought I was going to regain some of my sanity back, my roommate opened his bedroom door. I jumped across the hallway and he just started laughing at me. I'm pretty positive that I won't ever be the same. I don't like scary movies and I definitely don't like the way they make me feel.

I tried to have pleasant dreams last night but they were filled with suspense. No one tired to kill me or anything like that but they were some intense dreams. Now all I need to do is figure out how to get my lovely dreams back and forget all the scary things I saw!!!

Doubt and Community

So I obviously suck at blogging. I haven't even updated this thing at all. Not that anyone is reading this yet either but oh well. Today has been a blah day. It was just one of those, wake up in the morning and try to make it through with a smile on your face. My heart is heavy right now. I can't even pinpoint what it is heavy with but it's just been that way all day.
This song by DCB or as I like to call them, the clam soup band has been my song of the day.

ALL I CAN SAY:

It is such a beautiful song and sometimes when you can't form the words this fits perfectly.
I love being in the Seattle area. I'm so excited for the things God is going to do. I can't wait to see how this journey unfolds. But part of me hates the growing and stretching right now. I feel alone some days. I feel like I'm not sure why I moved here and how the heck I'm going to accomplish anything that God wants from me.

I think part of my heavy heart is a seed of doubt. I doubt my abilities and I doubt if God could really use me or that He even wants to use me. Doubt is such a crazy thing and I'm now realizing it is super easy for it to take over. I doubt my worth and I don't even know why. I don't know what causes me to shrink away and feel less than others. I have those moments when I know that God is going to use me for greater things and I have confidence in who He created me to be but there are days when I feel like the dirt has more purpose than me. Crazy thinking, I know!!

I haven't really been able to make new friends here yet and I haven't really been able to connect to the few people I know in the area yet. It's really hard to go through these growing experiences without friends to bounce thoughts off. It's so vital to be in community and I see that as something I'm lacking right now. I really need to immerse myself in a community. I need the relationship with other believers here in the area. I think that is something that I need to work more on. I need to purse community instead of just expecting it to show up at my front door.

I'm beginning to work with the media team at Champions Centre and I'm hoping I can get more connected there. That church is so amazing and I know that God has me there for a reason right now. We are covering a series called Greater and I know it fits perfectly with the season I'm in right now. I will write about that soon but now I should be heading to bed because I have a long day tomorrow. Waking up early for church, filming, then off to work to hopefully sell some cameras.
Thank you little blog for being my thought process right now.

Praying for:

• Community
• To rid self-doubt
• The Greater things we are called to
• The broken, battered hearts

The First Steps

I’m not 100% sure where this blog will go or what exactly it will morph into but I do know that it’s important for me to write this journey down. This is a two-fold story; I don’t feel like I can write about one without writing about the other. It might seem random at times and possibly a little chaotic, but isn’t that how life is? We can never see the whole story and we don’t really know how things connect and flow. It’s just life at its greatest.

I started triathlon training last month and it will be quite the journey, especially with my bad knee. I also am on a journey that God is leading me on. I just moved to the Seattle area and I know He has great things in store for me. This is where I feel my blog must start. But it truly starts with the trip I just took to Chicago. I’m on the plane home as I type this and I cannot hold the workings in my heart any longer.

I don’t typically share the things God is doing deep in my heart. Maybe out of fear of rejection or because I just don’t think I’m worthy enough to share them. But how can I contain something that is so much more than me?

I have always had a connection with visions. No one knows this…well until now. If I pray for someone I always, and I mean always get some sort of vision from God. I clearly see something that God is working on for that person or I see words that need to be spoken into/over their life. The sad part is I never share it, I don’t tell them what God wants them to hear. A total failure on my part!!

I went to Chicago to second shoot for the one and only Sarah Barlow. She is soooo sweet and truly has a beautiful heart. Not to mention she is one heck of a photographer. (Check out her website here:sarahbarlow.com) I got into town before she did so I was greeted at the airport by her wonderful mom and her amazing little sisters. I fell in love with this family instantly. If you want an example of what God will do when you dedicate your entire family to Him, look no further than the Barlow clan!

While I was there we attended a benefit concert called Afrocka. This show was dedicated to raising money for a school in Kenya. The team that lead it are all under 23!! While I was there I started praying. I saw a beautiful vision. The young lady I was praying over was leading an army. She was leading them into battle. The army consisted of this young generation, all these young hearts on fire to change this world. It was dark and stormy and the wind was blowing fierce, but there she was standing in front of thousands, inspiring them to take up their swords and fight. With her words she ignited a fire that swept through the army and prepared them for battle. With her battle cry they charged ahead to attack the enemy. They were on the offense; they had prepared for this battle and were ready to conquer!!! She is going to be a world changer. She is going to use her leadership skills to equip and empower this generation and spark a change.

I also had a vision over my own life. Now, these don’t happen often, I mostly have visions for others. A couple of years ago someone spoke words over me, telling me that one day I will evangelize. Definitely not my cup of tea! I took those words in, tucked them into my heart and carried on. But while in Chicago I had this vision that I was standing up and speaking to a fairly large group. I was in a city I had never been in before and with a group of people who were there to support me and travel with me as I spoke to people all over the place. I don’t know what to do with this vision, but I will hold on to it and let God lead me in whatever ways He wills.

I can see these plans that God has that are so much bigger than mine. My heart is prepared to stand aside and let God work in His wonderful and mysterious ways. This is going to be one crazy ride but I’m prepared. The question is, are you??