I Just Want to Cry

I just want to cry. I want to cry but those much needed tears wont come. It's like my heart is frozen, afraid to break and let the floodgates down. Today was a long day. It was a long rough day, but no one would know that. All day long I wanted to curl into a ball and cry and hide and let myself feel this pain. But instead I kept a smile on my face and pushed myself through the day. Happy Easter to me.

Today was the first Easter I was truly alone. Even when I was in the South I had people to celebrate Easter with. It was hard being away from my family, but I was with another family each time and they welcomed me with open arms. But today was different, today I didn't even have a surrogate family. I woke up early and headed to the church to serve. I spent the first service getting footage of kid's church and some nice B Roll footage of people mingling in the hallways and foyer. Second service started with the same but I decided to catch a bit of the message. When I found a seat it was at the very top of the sanctuary in a row all by myself. As I sat there and listened to the message, the loneliness creeped in. The message was amazing and it spoke to my heart but I had no one to share that with. In this church of thousands, I was so very alone. And I felt every bit of it. I felt what I've been feeling for so long. I just want fellowship and I can't find it. I can't find the one thing my soul needs. God did not intend for us to be alone, so why am I?

I spent the third service getting more footage. I walked around the halls and classrooms of this super awesome church. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I know this is where God wants me, but why do I feel like I'm treading water. How could it be this hard? I've tried to give as much of myself as I can. If I'm not working I'm there to help out where I can on the media team, but I don't feel like its enough. The most I can give with my stupid time restraints just isn't enough.

By the time I was done with church and all my footage was uploaded it was 2pm. I sat in my car in the very empty parking lot and I called my mom. I hadn't heard from her yet, so I decided to give her a call. The family was heading to my Grandma's house for Easter dinner. They were busy so we couldn't talk long. Just enough to say Happy Easter and get off the phone.

I then headed towards the North Tacoma campus at Stadium High School. It is a mere 15 minute drive. Being me, I got lost along the way. I ended up driving by a McDonald's and I grabbed a quick lunch. Actually it's all I ate today and it didn't even taste very good. It took me an hour and a half to finally get there. Once again I went and grabbed footage and sat during the message by myself. After Church and baptisms, I packed up my stuff and headed to my car. At almost 8 o clock, I had managed to fill my day so much with church and almost no fellowship it didn't make sense.

On the positive side today, Andy was super wonderful and told me multiple times how much he appreciated my work. He has no idea how much that really meant to me. Those were the only words of encouragement I received all day. He told me that on several occasions and it kept my heart going.

On the drive home I called my mom once again. Things have been so chaotic over there, with my brothers fiance and her two little siblings moving in, that she didn't even have the energy to talk to me. I've known that this was going to happen, but I was hoping it wasn't going to. Once again I'm becoming the forgotten member of the family. The person who is an afterthought. I'm used to it, but I just wanted to be a priority in someone's life for 5 minutes today. That second conversation ended quickly and I finished my drive in silence.

So here I am, in my bed, typing this blog post. The tears have finally come. They haven't completely released but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore. Today sucked. Today was about the people. We had that posted all over the media closet. Today was about people coming to church and finding their home. It was about serving, and being the body of Christ. I hope I did my part and I was able to serve those who needed it. I feel like I gave God, and the church everything I have. I would do the same thing again. I want to serve, I want to be a part of this church's body. This is a part of my calling. It's what makes my heart happy. So I'm happy I was able to serve. I'm happy that I did my part. But even through that happiness there is a sadness. There is a loneliness that I wish I didn't have. I long for fellowship. I long for communion. So yes, even through the good, today sucked. My heart wants to come fully alive.

Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me. Thank you for being the center of my life. Thank you for this opportunity to serve you. Thank you for everything!! My only prayer tonight is please send me a church family. Please send me people to be in fellowship with. I think I'll go finish off these tears tonight and start tomorrow with the hope for what is to come.

A Simple Hug

I was going to write a blog last night, but then I was distracted by other things. Another thought I'd like to write about also came to mind tonight, so I might try to combine them or I might end up creating 2 different posts. We will see as I write this little gem.

It's Easter weekend and it's one of my favorite times of the year. It reminds me of the sacrifice that Jesus made so that I may live. Soo freaking cool!!! It also is a busy time at church. I love all the hustle and buzz and everyone preparing for the biggest weekend of the year. This is the one time of the year that people who don't normally attend church decide to give it a try. So I've been at the church helping prepare for this weekend. There is a lot to do on the media side and I enjoy every moment of it.

Because of my lovely work schedule I don't normally get to be this involved with the media and that really makes my heart ache. But I was fortunate enough to be apart of rehearsal yesterday. I basically filled in for a camera and practiced getting shots that they will need this weekend. I know my part wasn't big and sometimes I doubt whether or not I'm actually making a difference on the team. I don't feel like I'm able to contribute much, but that is a different story. Any who  at the end of the night, I was getting ready to leave and I had a question for someone. When I went up to them, they opened their arm and welcomed me into a hug.

A hug. I know it's not much. Most of the time we don't think about it. In fact, I normally don't think much about hugs. But on my way home I started to break down. That hug was the only one I've had all week. Actually I haven't been hugged since I went home last. I don't have anyone over here that would actually hug me. The embrace sent something through my body. It was a simple reminder that I am here, and I do have a purpose.

I'm not a touch-feely person. In fact if you know me at all, you know I hate physical contact. It may seem strange to most but I really don't like to be touched at all. So now we all know my love language definitely isn't physical touch. With that being in context it doesn't seem as strange that I don't hug often. But my week isn't filled with much fellowship or communion with people. I go to work 5 days a week, I work out at the gym (trust me, you don't wanna touch people there), I attend a financial class once a week and I'm at church twice a week. That is all the contact I have with the outside world.

I can't even say I have friends in any of those locations either. I workout by myself, I work with 3 men, all over the age of 40, I don't know anyone in my financial class, and I only have acquaintances at church. I love my church and I love the people there, but I only interact with a small handful in the media department and most of that is very limited. For the most part, I am alone.

I know it's not the way we are supposed to live, and trust me I wish I didn't live this way, but here I am "doing life alone."  So this hug was a very big deal to my heart and I didn't even realize it. I have let my emotions become numb. I have closed off my feelings to those around me. I forgot what it meant to share in fellowship. It was if this simple hug opened my heart and released all sorts of stuff I've been holding in.

God used that hug to tell me that I'm not alone and He has a plan for me. He showed me that He sees me and He loves me. He loves me enough to give me what I didn't even know I needed. This person will never know how much that hug meant to me. They probably don't even remember the act. But as I walked closer and those arms opened to welcome me, God was inviting me into His grasp. He was loving me the way He knows best. He was showing me His love in the way I needed it.

We have no idea. No idea at all about what is going on in the lives of those around us. In this very technology centric world, run by social media, we have become distant. We have forgotten that human interaction is essential to our lives. It is what keeps us going. I'm challenging anyone who is reading this to hug someone today. Now don't go out and hug random strangers, but when you have an interaction with someone today that might not be our best friend, I encourage you to offer up a hug. You'll know when it's the right time.

For the first time in my life I understand why those crazy people offer up free hugs on random street corners. It's because we need it. We all need it, even if we think we don't. We need to know we are loved, and that someone notices us. We need that feeling of belonging. We need to know that we matter. And trust me, YOU do matter! You are here for a reason, and you are important. Don't let your mind be filled with any other lies. Take heart, and know that He sees and He loves you. You are loved more than you could ever imagine. Here is my *hug* to you. My virtual *hug* that lets you know that you are not alone. You are never, ever alone.

Have a wonderful Easter!!! I'll post my other thought on the blog tomorrow. Thanks for listening.