I Just Want to Cry

I just want to cry. I want to cry but those much needed tears wont come. It's like my heart is frozen, afraid to break and let the floodgates down. Today was a long day. It was a long rough day, but no one would know that. All day long I wanted to curl into a ball and cry and hide and let myself feel this pain. But instead I kept a smile on my face and pushed myself through the day. Happy Easter to me.

Today was the first Easter I was truly alone. Even when I was in the South I had people to celebrate Easter with. It was hard being away from my family, but I was with another family each time and they welcomed me with open arms. But today was different, today I didn't even have a surrogate family. I woke up early and headed to the church to serve. I spent the first service getting footage of kid's church and some nice B Roll footage of people mingling in the hallways and foyer. Second service started with the same but I decided to catch a bit of the message. When I found a seat it was at the very top of the sanctuary in a row all by myself. As I sat there and listened to the message, the loneliness creeped in. The message was amazing and it spoke to my heart but I had no one to share that with. In this church of thousands, I was so very alone. And I felt every bit of it. I felt what I've been feeling for so long. I just want fellowship and I can't find it. I can't find the one thing my soul needs. God did not intend for us to be alone, so why am I?

I spent the third service getting more footage. I walked around the halls and classrooms of this super awesome church. I know this is where I'm supposed to be. I know this is where God wants me, but why do I feel like I'm treading water. How could it be this hard? I've tried to give as much of myself as I can. If I'm not working I'm there to help out where I can on the media team, but I don't feel like its enough. The most I can give with my stupid time restraints just isn't enough.

By the time I was done with church and all my footage was uploaded it was 2pm. I sat in my car in the very empty parking lot and I called my mom. I hadn't heard from her yet, so I decided to give her a call. The family was heading to my Grandma's house for Easter dinner. They were busy so we couldn't talk long. Just enough to say Happy Easter and get off the phone.

I then headed towards the North Tacoma campus at Stadium High School. It is a mere 15 minute drive. Being me, I got lost along the way. I ended up driving by a McDonald's and I grabbed a quick lunch. Actually it's all I ate today and it didn't even taste very good. It took me an hour and a half to finally get there. Once again I went and grabbed footage and sat during the message by myself. After Church and baptisms, I packed up my stuff and headed to my car. At almost 8 o clock, I had managed to fill my day so much with church and almost no fellowship it didn't make sense.

On the positive side today, Andy was super wonderful and told me multiple times how much he appreciated my work. He has no idea how much that really meant to me. Those were the only words of encouragement I received all day. He told me that on several occasions and it kept my heart going.

On the drive home I called my mom once again. Things have been so chaotic over there, with my brothers fiance and her two little siblings moving in, that she didn't even have the energy to talk to me. I've known that this was going to happen, but I was hoping it wasn't going to. Once again I'm becoming the forgotten member of the family. The person who is an afterthought. I'm used to it, but I just wanted to be a priority in someone's life for 5 minutes today. That second conversation ended quickly and I finished my drive in silence.

So here I am, in my bed, typing this blog post. The tears have finally come. They haven't completely released but at least I'm not holding it all in anymore. Today sucked. Today was about the people. We had that posted all over the media closet. Today was about people coming to church and finding their home. It was about serving, and being the body of Christ. I hope I did my part and I was able to serve those who needed it. I feel like I gave God, and the church everything I have. I would do the same thing again. I want to serve, I want to be a part of this church's body. This is a part of my calling. It's what makes my heart happy. So I'm happy I was able to serve. I'm happy that I did my part. But even through that happiness there is a sadness. There is a loneliness that I wish I didn't have. I long for fellowship. I long for communion. So yes, even through the good, today sucked. My heart wants to come fully alive.

Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me. Thank you for being the center of my life. Thank you for this opportunity to serve you. Thank you for everything!! My only prayer tonight is please send me a church family. Please send me people to be in fellowship with. I think I'll go finish off these tears tonight and start tomorrow with the hope for what is to come.